Oh dear god….help me. I am on public transport. AAAAAHHHHHHH
Ok so that isn’t the worst thing in the world right I mean lets face it millions of people take it everyday to and from work, friends houses, the pub and etc and etc. But I seem to spend my entire burlesque career either on stage or travelling. One epic journey to Edinburgh and back via the joys of the train damn well near killed me. I was sat next to some Shoreditch Wannabe (sorry to all those real Shoreditch people who don’t feel the need to wear stupid fake glasses, plaid shirts and skinny jeans so tight your bollocks are ripped off). Here was I happily using my laptop and there she was….judging away loudly and with an accent so plummy I could smell the pastry of the pie (Plum pie….get it?!) I spent the entire journey having my ears assaulted by her constantly Oh mommy and oh pappa…BLAH! Needless to say I spent much of the journey planning her death. I figured I could drop her body off somewhere along the way after killing her with her stupidly long scarf.
Have you ever tried carting about a pair of 6ft feather fans on public transport? If you haven’t had them destroyed on the tube before you get to the train station then you are lucky. People dont seem to see luggage on the tube. Odd that. Must be a blindness that affects Londoners.
Ok so I have a car…and when I have to take the huge props (stars/top hat etc) I have to use it…but sometimes the petrol costs are crippling. Plus I have a habit of being nice and offering to drive other performers home despite them living way out of my way and thus petrol is eaten. I hardly ever receive (though I never think to ask) petrol money. I just guess its nice to be nice. Oh to be mean. Wait that wouldnt suit me at all.
So lugging my giant coffin of a suitcase up and down stairs whilst people tut because it takes me two seconds longer than them to walk the stairs just makes me want to hurl the bugger at them. I pack as lightly as I can and lets face it…I dont wear too much. Plus tit tape isnt too heavy but its those rhinestones I tell you. heavy buggers especially when you have covered one of my bras in them. Anyone for a parachute?
So if you see a performer like me lugging our sorry asses about the world with feathers/suitcases and props in tow please be sweet and offer a hand. Or better yet just move out of the way because by that point I will be frazzled and annoyed with the world. or…soy latte please?
Hee hee
whinge over.
BTW I am sat on the train…waiting for this journey’s ‘shoreditch’ torturer to appear….
Can I also state I requested First Class and they didnt have any available! WHAT!!!!
Not public transport Khandie! I myself have had cause to use a bus from time to time and I find the kind of people who frequent public transport often smell of brown paper bags….and hamburgers! I feel for you, My love. My tips to endure are :- Try not to make eye contact with anyone.
And those packs of steri hand wipes are a god-send!xxx
I went one further….so traumatised by the whole experience I got off the train too early and am now stuck for an hour in Ipswitch!hahaha